You can condemn me for loving the smell of old books that I can only find in big libraries…

You can say I am boring for listening to Mozart … or for feeling happy when I listen to Bach even if everyone thinks his music is sad…

You can call me crazy when I agree with Nietzsche because I also think “God died!”

You can say I am just as abstract as Christine Angot is in her books…but I am more than that.

You can accuse me for being immature because I still enjoy “Beauty and the Beast” or “Anastasia”

You can call me insane because I believe in spirits, death, ghosts…and I believe we create our own hell or heaven….if you would only know…

You can even say I am insensitive because I don’t care about your idea of love…as you have no idea what love means.

You can say that I am arrogant because I condemn without mercy whatever I consider to be stupid…

You can say I am ugly because I don’t spend my free time in beauty shops or buying expensive clothes just to be “cool” in the eyes of every ignorant person I might meet

You can say I am a lonely person because once in a while I throw my phone away and just lock myself in my room, listening to my music and reading my books….careless for anything else.

You can call me a bitch because I kick people out of my life in a second if they walked over my pride …as all my pride is all I have.

You can say I am a stupid dreamer for giving all my heart just once in a lifetime, and taking all the risks for that…yes I know it might kill me but it seems like a good way to go…

You can believe I am vulnerable … but that would be your biggest mistake

You can call me insane because I would give all I have for just 1 hour on another galaxy.

And you know what? You can say everything you want, as long as you will never understand that there is more to life than money, sex, greed….as you will never know how it feels like to stand in front of a huge library and feel so small…as you will never feel how is like to be capable to give your life away for the one you love…as you will never ever look to the stars feeling frustrated cause you will never reach them. I’ll be nothing like Joseph K. was in “The Trial” as I will never chase your reasons, accusations or judgements…as I raise more questions in your mind than a Kafka’s character.

If we take a look at the video, he is a jerk who beats his lover, she fights back because that’s human nature and after they break each other’s faces he gets mad because she is leaving him…..hmmmm. Sure, why would you want to get out of a relationship that is like a boxing ring?  “Life is no Nintendo game…” well, from the video we understand something else, guys. Then, after we see the two of them fighting, screaming and hitting, “Juliette” leaves “Romeo” but at the same time she loves the way he lies, she loves the way she burns, she loves the way it hurts…so basically she  asks for more pain, that sounds like an S&M relationship to me! The part that I most “like” is the “window pain” thing….what??? You beat the shit out of her, then you feel “window pain” and ask her back because….?! Oh, I know! Because you couldn’t find another idiot to take all your shit and punching therapy.  Oh and the explanation that we get comes at the end of the song : “this is what happens when a tornado meets a volcano…”, dear Eminem, trust me,  when a tornado meets a volcano it doesn’t happen too much between the two of them because no one would care about some taugh wind when they have lava on the ground. But “la crème de la crème” comes when he promises “If she ever tries to fucking leave again, I’mma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire!”…. have you ever heard something more romantic, more sensitive and more sweet? Hard to believe…But that’s what happens when “TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT” or when “A helpless stupid woman meets a jerk who steals alcohol from stores and then he gets home with a desire of killing her”…THAT, my friends has not a single thing in common with love. And if the purpose of this song was to give an explanation to what they call “Taugh love”., well, taugh love is something very different….

The msg of this song is as simple as it is wrong :  You are unhappy? Does your man have no respect for you? Does he lie to you?…You fucking hate him? Then, you should stay together because that’s the way people are dealing with love. They are punching each other, they are fucking their brains out…they are trying to reach their limits…NOT!!!

So I let you listen and I am sorry for the ones who love this song but…it is one of the worst songs Eminem ever had. Rhianna lets say she is used to that….not to mention that the song even applies to her if we recall that she was beaten by her boyfriend and after being in the hospital and getting the police involved, she said she forgives him….somehow I expected more from Marshall Matters III.

Isn’t something missing? Don’t you feel like a part of you is missing? Don’t you miss me, my days of summer, my laughter at a good joke, my sleepless nights and my silly thoughts? Don’t you feel like you miss the sun and the heat or the snow and the winter? Don’t you feel like the puzzle it’s undone? Don’t you feel ignored? Well, maybe we will meet when I’ll give my last breath, somewhere in the arms of someone who would probably cry for me…or not.  If I could only see you as long as I am able to see things on this planet…you know we don’t stay here long, and you know I don’t wish to stay here for ever. I wonder if you were here, and died and got there after that…or you are dead since for ever? Maybe you need someone to live through and that’s why you’re…calling. I am not afraid of death but, are you afraid of life? You know I still can’t find what keeps me here, can you find what keeps you there? Are you the dead side of me, who is searching for life again? This is my biggest fear…I could bear anything but this, and we both know I wouldn’t be able to help you in that case. I couldn’t bring you to life again since probably I locked you there in that universe, or dimension, you are in. Are you disperate, hopeless?  You cry without use, you will cry for an eternity…doesn’t matter if I can hear you but it does matter that I am the only one who can. Like a curse…probably you are calling for so many people, but the only one you can reach is the powerless one.  Now, as I am thinking this I can understand why I can’t see your face…I guess that makes sense. Do you look the same? Are you still smiling, are you still fighting? Do you still believe in love, faith or hate? And tell me, now that you are there, do you still believe in destiny? I am sure you do…that’s what I’ve been teaching you your whole life. Well, fate is a game…or a joke but somehow you can’t be sure who will laugh at the end of it : fate or you? Just keep searching for a soul that can hear you, as well as I can…hope never dies, like you never died…or you were dead since for ever…I am sure someone will do more than hearing you. You just have to pick right, and how hard can that be? Meanwhile you can talk to me, when you feel alone…even if well, I am not able to understand you. I will be there and we’ll talk over some coffee sometime, share impressions about this strange, insecure, abstract life we are living, you would laugh at many things I did here, I would probably do the same…I’ll tell you the bads and you’ll tell me the goods and we’ll be one and we’ll be free…and we’ll be in heaven ”

Perioada cea mai intensa a inchisorii de la Pitesti se intinde pe cativa ani, intre 1949 si 1953. Nici ca putea fi realizata o oglindire mai fidela a principiilor leniniste prin prisma Partidului Comunist din Romania, alta decat genocidul de la Pitesti. Scopul experimentului a fost unul foarte precis : eliminarea convingerilor si ideilor religioase, stergerea tuturor valorilor pana la instaurarea in mintea detinutilor a obedientei absolute. Crearea unei mase perfecte pentru regimul comunist, usor de manipulat, usor de controlat si subordonat. Tortura devine un mijloc, nu un scop. Umilirea detinutilor, dezumanizarea acestora, erau metode zilnice aplicate pentru a uniformiza convingerile comuniste si a schimba mentalitati. Majoritatea detinutilor erau studenti, intelectuali, simpatizanti ai Garzii de Fier, membrii PNT si PNL, erau arestati “chiaburi”, cei care detineau mai mult pamant decat era permis, cei considerati instariti. In general, oricine iesea din tiparele sistemului, oricine ridica fruntea mai mult decat restul, era “reeducat” in inchisoarea de la Pitesti, usor comparata de cei care i-au supravietuit cu un adevarat Iad.

Pare incredibila o asemenea poveste, de la premisele sale, la mijloacele aplicate si in special la scopul in care erau realizate toate acestea, totul este invaluit intr-o aura de uimire, de resentimente pentru sistem si compasiune pentru detinuti.

Torturarea detinutilor, este demna de pedeapsa meritata de un criminal de temut, lucru explicabil prin faptul ca in acea perioada, cea mai mare crima pe care o putea cineva realiza era impotrivirea fata de sistem si militarea pentru alte idei politice, altele decat cele comuniste

Dintre cei arestati, au ramas pana in ziua de astazi suficienti supravietuitori pentru a ne convinge de toate atrocitatile le care au luat parte. Nimeni, dintre fostii detinuti, nu a povestit familiilor,  ce a trait la Pitesti, unii de rusine, cei mai multi de teama, insa si pentru ca este greu sa relatezi asemenea istorii. Marturiile au fost facute auzite odata cu schimbarea regimului politic, dupa revolutia din 1989 si sunt cu atat mai valoroase cu cat nici un dosar al Securitatii nu consemneaza durerea celor trecuti prin procesul de “Reeducare”.

Deznadejdea creata de metodele drastice de tortura, de corvezile pe care detinutii erau obligati sa le indure in ideea de a se converti in totalitate regimului, au dus la numeroase cazuri de sinucidere. Moartea devenise o salvare din chinurile tortionarilor, insa nu multi reuseau sa isi ia viata. Scopul inchisorii de la Pitesti nu era pedepsirea detinutilor, majoritatea nefiind vinovati decat de propria lor ratiune mai mult sau mai putin impanzita de valorile comunismului. Eugen Turcanu sau Alexandru Nicolski, cele mai des intalnite personaje din marturisirile fostilor detinuti, nu doreau moartea celor din penitenciar, ci transformarea lor in materie prima, optima pentru sadirea comunismului ca religie, viitor si stil de viata. Eliminarea oricaror valori religioase, familiale, umane din mintea detinutului era scopul zilnic al anchetatorilor. Nu conta ca oamenii arestati fara vina lasau acasa copii, familii intregi neconsolate macar de gandul revederii.Uneori cei care ii arestau erau chiar vechi prieteni de familie, oameni care alta data mancasera la aceeasi masa cu cei pe care aveau sa ii aresteze mai tarziu pentru experimental Pitesti.

Vizitele rudelor nu erau permise la inchisoarea Pitesti, nici corespondenta intre detinuti si familiile sau cunoscutii lor. Acestia erau izolati de orice urma de umanitate in fata batailor care pareau sa nu mai inceteze, a blasfemiilor religioase greu de indurat la care erau supusi si a somnului cu lumina in ochi sau in picioare cu fata la zid.

Cei ramasi acasa, stiau foarte putin. Condamnatii erau ridicati din senin din sanul familiei, in urma unor perchezitii mai mult formale pentru ca nu aveau ca scop dovedirea unor infractiuni ci doar indeplinirea unui algoritm. Copii din vremea aceea, batranii de astazi, isi amintesc cu groaza si cu lacrimi in ochi momentul in care tatii lor au fost luati pe sus de Securitate si dusi la penitenciarul de la Pitesti.

Ecaterinei Dumitru, fiica lui Ilie Ochescu, fost detinut, isi aminteste cele 6 luni in care tatal sau a fost arestat, pe cand ea avea numai 18 ani. Cum este sa iti stii tatal in inchisoare si sa ramai acasa cu mama si ceilalti 4 frati, ne spune doamna Ecaterina.

“Tatal meu a fost arestat de aceeiasi oameni care mancau la noi la masa…”

I.P:Cum s-a petrecut arestarea tatalui dumneavoastra?

E.D-Ma intorceam de la servici, lucram ca educatoare la o gradinita. Si m-a oprit o vecina si mi-a spus “Cum nu stii, ca tatal tau a fost arestat?” ,am ramas inmarmurita. Am luat-o la pas serios si intradevar cand am ajuns acasa mama si sora mea plangeau si imi spuneau ca “l-au luat pe taticu”.

I.P:Cati ani aveati?

E.D-18…

I.P:Cati frati sunteti?

E.D-5 frati…

Asa…

E.D-Au venit…au intrebat de el acasa….

I.P:Cine au venit?

E.D-Securitatea, doi barbati….si au intrebat unde e “nea Ochescu”. Mama a spus ca este “la deal, lucreaza la o caruta cu Tiganu”.S-au dus dupa el acolo, ofiterul Ciuca il chema pe unul dintre ei.(Se cunostea de mult cu tata, pentru ca tata a fost secretar de stat si nefiind inscris in nici un partid l-au dat la o parte). Cand a iesit tata la poarta, i-au spus de fata cu ceilalti “Nea Ochescule, vrem sa ne dai o referinta, hai cu noi” Si s-au intors acasa la noi. Au intrat in casa, tata, Ciuca si inca unu si atunci au zis “In numele legii esti arestat, te rog sa te intorci cu fata la perete!” si au inceput sa cotrobaie prin casa. Tata a intrebat “Ce cautati?”, au spus ca “Arma” si cum statea tata cu fata la perete, au inceput sa umble in toata casa.Aveam 5 camere asa ca a durat vreo 2 ore perchezitia. Dupa 2 ore au zis “Mergi cu noi!”. Mama a intepenit, saraca. A inceput sa ii caute haine…sa nu plece in hainele de lucru, era la sfarsitul lui septembrie, in 1950.

I.P:Inainte sa trecem la partea cu arestarea, ati auzit ca l-ar fi turnat cineva?

E.D-Da, era un invatator din comuna care purta o pica pe tata, pentru ca bunicul meu din partea mamei era chiabur, avea pamant foarte mult si tatal meu l-a ajutat sa vanda din pamantul pe care il avea in Com. Strezesti, jud Olt. Dadea cate un pogon pe un purcel si tata cand a auzit lucrul asta i-a chemat pe cei care au luat pamant de la bunicul meu, la primarie, si i-a intrebat “Recunosteti ca ati cumparat pamant de la Stoica Maxim?” si au zis ca da, asa ca tata le-a trecut pamantul pe numele lor, in acte si l-a descarcat astfel pe bunicul. Fostul invatator din comuna avea si el pe soacra’sa tot chiabura si neputand sa profite de ajutorul lui tata pentru a o deschiaburii i-a facut o informare pentru falsificare de acte.

I.P:Tatal dumneavoastra, Ilie Ochescu, era cumva impotriva regimului?

E.D-Tata nu se amesteca, nu il interesa….

I.P:Nu era in nici o miscare politica?

E.D-Nu , tata nu, bunicul meu prevazuse comunismul dar tata nu avea nici o pozitie fata de sistem, nu simpatiza pe nimeni.

I.P:Sa revenim…l-au arestat.

E.D-Da, si 3 luni de zile nu s-a stiut nimic de el. Dar la fiecare 2 zile securitatea era in comuna. Strangeau referinte probabil. Si noi ii vedeam si nu puteai sa stai de vba cu ei desi o cunosteau pe mama, mancasera la noi in casa. Mie mi-ar fi fost rusine in locul lui Ciuca. Dupa 3 luni am primit o scrisoare de la tata, nu stiu daca era scrisa de el. Scria “ma aflu la Pitesti, trimiteti haine” si tata fuma, nu stiu daca n-a cerut si tigari. Mama a facut un pachet si au plecat doi frati la Pitesti sa ii trimita. Nu le-a dat voie sa vbeasca cu tata, li sa spus sa paraseasca incinta ca daca nu trag. Li s-a spus sa mearga cu pachetul la posta si sa il trimita prin posta, nu au vrut sa il primeasca direct.Asa au facut. A mai durat inca 3 luni de zile pana la 24 februarie cand l-a eliberat. A venit acasa si n-a spus nimic.

I.P:Cum l-ati simtit cand s-a intors? Era schimbat?

E.D-In ultimele 2 saptamani inainte de a il elibera ii dadusera mancare ca sa se mai ingrase sa isi mai revina ca era slab rau, nebarbierit, netuns…

I.P:Psihic cum l-ati simtit? Parea afectat?

E.D-Era fricos, ii era frica de orice si nu vroia sa vorbeasca nimic. Un singur lucru a spus ca nu vedea pe unde il duceau la sala de judecata la ancheta, ca ii punea ochelari de tabla la ochi. Poate i-o fi spus mamei ca eu eram copil si copii sunt usor de tras de limba desi nici mama nu cred sa fi stiut ceva…

I.P:Nu ati auzit nici un nume al celor care l-ar fi interogat in inchisoare?

E.D-Am auzit un nume dar nu il retin, era coleg cu fratele meu insa fusese cooptat de Securitate inca din vremea liceului.

I.P:Tatal dumneavoastra nu a spus nimic despre ce a trait la Pitesti?

E.D-Nu, desi a venit multa lume sa il intrebe…spunea ca “ce a fost a fost si bine ca s-a lamurit”.

I.P:A continuat obiceiurile dinainte de a ajunge acolo? Mergea la biserica in continuare?

E.D-Da, mergea la biserica, isi facea onomastica…mama a pastrat toate traditiile. Nu avea nici o retinere, era un om normal dar nu vorbea, devenise foarte tacut.

Doamna Ecaterica Ochescu, acum Dumitru Ecaterina, nu stie nimic din ce s-a intamplat cu tatal ei in cele 6 luni cat timp acesta a fost la Pitesti. Ilie Ochescu a venit acasa, dupa arest, fara sa faca vreo marturisire. Dupa experienta traita, Ilie Ochescu si-a luat sotia si cei 5 copii si s-a mutat la Sibiel, unde a locuit 17 ani pentru ca apoi sa se intoarca in comuna Cepari din satul Carlogani, judetul Olt. El a fost un exemplu care demonstreaza ca experimentul Pitesti a esuat in Romania. Scopul dezumanizarii nu a fost atins.Valorile detinutului nu au fost distruse singurele sechele ramase in mintea lui Ilie Ochescu fiind insusi amintirile dintre zidurile inchisorii, atrocitati greu de uitat odata ce au fost experimentate

Irina Maria Popescu, “Jurnalul de Investigatii”, Nr.5 martie 2010

Then she got 20. Same window. Same people, only different faces and probably different names but she didn’t notice all those differences. The sun was still there, waiting for her. But what was he waiting? Oh, for her to get a life…Ok, I am only 20, she said. I just need more time. I am a journalist now. Well at least I am studying that and I write a little. So I will write all about my life and politics and social events. I will write about my life when I will get a life, until then, imagination will do. The Sun kept shinning. Ok, that seemed to be a silent deal between them. So she opened the window. She wasn’t one of “them” yet, but she will have to be one day. She looked closer, watching every stranger’s face, watching their steps and occasionally listening to their words. Non-sense words. Well, non-sense for her at least…Nice, they look peaceful, she thought. Maybe this is not that bad. Maybe I will like it.

When she was 22, she woke up one morning.She was 22 for 3 months now.It was no longer summer. It was pretty cold. Still autumn, almost winter. She got near the window. No Sun today? Well, maybe he got tired of waiting for her to get a life. She got scared like the day she turned 18…she felt alone. Not sure if it was because of the missing sun, but she felt alone. And it was so cold. As she was looking outside the window she thought people don’t look so happy with their life like they looked last time I checked. Or she wasn’t able to see the happiness in their eyes, in their walk…well. She opened the window and felt such an unfriendly wind. It was cold. The wind was alone too, searching for something. Yes, for the first time that thought  crossed her mind and she was smiling at it. The wind is running because he is searching for something…he is searching for a life too? That thought almost made her laugh. So she wasn’t the only one who was in this mess, the wind was feeling alone too.

As she was enjoying the cold wind in her hair, feeling it like it was some kind of silent unfriendly friend that understands her and keeps her company, she saw a couple. He was tall, she was nice, almost sexy but no…she was more than sexy, she was beautiful. He hold her hand and they were talking something, Ema couldn’t hear them even if she would have loved that. Maybe they were talking about their life together…”life together”, that was more than a life…sounded more complicated. She was watching them and imagining their life, their problems, their feelings, their good moments together. Then he looked at her window, all of a sudden. Ema was amazed, she didn’t know what to do so she watched him back. He seemed to have a problem at his shoe, so he stopped and tried to fix it. As he was fixing whatever that “shoe-problem” was, he never took his eyes off her. She smiled. It was like Ema was watching a movie and one of the actors just stopped playing and smiled back at her, seeing her through the screen. Then the girl watched too so Ema looked elsewhere , nowhere…Why did she do that? It didn’t seem right probably, so she changed the direction of her look to a tired old tree .After 2 seconds, when she looked back, he was gone. Like the wind. Ema closed the window and got back to bed, maybe a good sleep would do for now. As she was in bed she kept looking at the window, now so far away from her. She couldn’t see people anymore, just a daily light and some clouds. What if he was alone? Maybe she would be Her and he would never have a “shoe-problem” again…she smiled because she realized she was thinking at a stranger who probably had kids and a family. Every time she looked that window she saw people, but then was the only time when she saw someone…and that someone smiled. And that someone wasn’t alone. Suddenly she felt happy. So happy that she smiled again, as she was sitting in her bed. That girl who was with him, maybe she was in his life, making his dinner every evening, she may even have his children…but she will never have that smile he gave her, that day, through an opened window. They may be happy, but they will never need a “shoe problem” to share a look and a smile. So Ema felt happy…because she and the mysterious guy had that.

She felt into a deep sleep…she will go to her job, she will write things, she will write thoughts, she will analyze events…and maybe 2 years from now, when she will be 24, she will have a life to live for, she will have it, eventually. If not, the wind will be a great friend, and the sun will come back because they understand everything…even complicated girls who landed on the wrong planet, the wind and the sun will help her get a happy life so she will be Her…eventually.”

Love…funny thing to think about. Even  more funny to write about .Especially if I am the one who writes about it. Can anyone say what is that makes us happy when it comes to love? We are happy to feel it, we are happy to speak about it, we are even happy to cry for it…so what is with that thing that comes and goes and leave us in this constant state of adrenaline hard to control? You might say that love brings pain too…well it does, but tell me, aren’t you happy to feel that pain? Ok it hurts a lot sometimes, but when you cry for love you kind of know that you cry for a beautiful pure feeling that a certain person generated in your heart, it’s not the same pain you get when you hurt your arm. I don’t know much about this subject, I hardly can say that I believe in it…but I can tell certain things. I can tell that none of you can control it, humans are voting for convenience instead of a hard to get thing. Why fighting for love when you can have it for free? That would never be me and probably that’s why I will never have the whole package. I don’t know how is that I always seem to choose the long path to happiness, the one with all the demons in my way…and the funny thing is that every single time I believe in my victory…So I envy you guys. I really do. I envy you for being able to choose the easy way to have that love. For not fighting…because usually when you don’t fight you don’t get hurt. Every war has its victims and the good part for you is that you will never be a victim.  I admire you, people, who talk about impossibility with such tolerance, who accept the impossibility of some things and just stop trying to get them…What made me talk about this, you’re asking…yes, there is a reason. I mean I don’t just wake up one morning and start to say deep things probably with no meaning. I heard today, as I was with some friends having some coffee, that “Irina, sweety, you need to let someone in there because you will end up old and alone.Now, being young, you don’t realize that..but imagine when you will feel alone, that will be sad.” I was busted (lol). I already feel alone, it already is sad… and I am already ok with that so I guess I am happy with my unhappiness if I can say that. But what do they know…so I tried to stop it there and change the subject. Hard mission to do because the conversation was still based on my life, which I must say it seems to be more interesting for people around me than it is for myself, and I own it for heaven’s sake! The conclusions of this conversation were that : I am too selective, I could be gay, I work too much so I don’t see the charming males around me, I am some kind of a freak but thanks God I am funny, I am in love with an alien that I keep in my closet and kiss from time to time (that was pretty close…), I still care about Alex (what?! I am all but stupid, so no, false theory), I am a loner (well, since I get out with you guys, I am not!) , I am smart and pretty but I am not girlfriend material… and the list goes on and on. Now….as I was listening and having the big baby eyes face on, I was thinking that this is not as simple as it seems. I was thinking at someone…a certain guy, no alien…and I just got sad because how can you tell that to people with so simple minds? They will never understand it, they will just add a few diseases on my list…So I was a silent participant at my “trial” waiting for the verdict. And there it is :” You need to start dating!” Since that sounded like an order I didn’t argue…”Everyone? Every single guy that asks me out?” And yes, that was the solution in their eyes, the solution to a problem i don’t even have.. As I was grabbing my coat, searching my car keys and trying to get out of that place I heard something like “It’s funny to have all the answers to life when you are too busy NOT living it!” and that made me run as faster as I could, drive like a maniac and get in my safe secure bed. That last phrase just kept me awake the whole night…. Finally after thinking it through I started to write this so that I will not explode somehow. I don’t have “all the answers to life”, I just give my opinion when I am asked to give it, it’s not my fault that my assumptions are true from time to time…and about the second part, I prefer not to comment. Since I didn’t know that not being in love it’s a crime you have to pay for in front of your friends and even your parents or family. Not being in love…what if I am in love? What if  there is a guy and it is too….private to talk about it? What if I have that naïve smile when I am talking with him? What if he is from another planet, or continent for that matter? Maybe he is too far away to bring him in the view for everyone, maybe he is married and every time I think about that it hurts ? What if I am in love with an alien ? What if I am not in love, and I am happy that way? I don’t see any reason to make that public, since it’s private. The point is that, I hate to be judged on what I do, how I live, what I love or what I hate…and since I am alone it’s because either I am ok this way, either there is no guy in here to resist more than 3 hours in my environment … which from what I was told it’s sick and insecure. Lol ! There’s one thing that I have to say in my defence : I know exactly what i want, I see it every single day in my mind … it’s just to hard to get it at this moment ! It doesn’t mean that what i want doesn’t exist there…somewhere…it’s just that, like i said, I always seem to choose the long path to get it and God enjoys making a lot of jokes over me sometimes becouse He knows I have my sense of humour…:) I guess I made some sort of deal with God about my life. He said “Just smile, who the F*k cares if you mean it or fake it” and I said ” as long as You give me some reasons to at least fake it”…

Lets pretend we’re just two people and you’re not there in the sky…

…I would love to have a chat with you.. How do you feel being admired and alone same time? Do you feel like you’ve been coursed by God…I was assuming that as I was watching you today. How do you feel giving life ? Do you feel powerful? Do you feel strong? Do you feel deathless? Are you conceited for being so bright? I am sure you are, but are you happy? How do you feel when you love your moon, without any kind of touch? How do you feel when you see Her shining because of you, being invisible without your light? If you could touch Her would you burn Her too? Or maybe you would get close and make her just like you, shining like a bride in your devine light… Dear Sun, how do you feel looking me in the eyes while I can’t look at you? Do you feel upper? Do you have mercy for people, sometimes, when you see them so hopeless without your energy? Can you tell how the world started, since you were a witness? Can you tell me the when and how of it, while I stay on my park bench and enjoy your heat? Can you tell me why people die, right under your eyes and can you tell me how can you just sit there looking pretty? Do you ever get mad by seeing all the injustice ? I do…I go crazy when I see helpless people. I can’t even bear the things that are going on here, but at least I can close my eyes so I don’t get hurt by seeing them…can you close your eyes too? Can you see me while I can’t see you? Can you feel me wanting so much more of this planet? Can you hear me screaming when I am all silent? Tell me, Mr. Sun, what do you feel? What would you feel if you were a human being, if you were walking the same streets that I am, watching the homeless without being able to help them? Tell me, if your Moon was way gone, who would you light at night? Would you cry for Her? Could you blame her for getting tired of seeing and not touching you? Maybe would you hate her ? I’d like to know, who would you fall in love with ? I always thought that you are more lonely than hot…I always thought that you are more sad than happy. Can you look at me and tell me how does it feel to be alone , there in the sky? Are you afraid ? It’s your heat a weapon against all the Universe so nothing will ever get close to you? Would you let me get there, without burning my skin? Without hurting my eyes? Would you let me at least have a little of your shine? I would like to learn all that you learned in millenniums, would you teach me how to have my own sky?

Would you let me have a few planets to depend on me? I can only imagine what God would have to say…I ask you so many things and i tell you so little. Let me tell you about people. They don’t see you, or appreciate you, or love you, even if their lifes depend on you. They just enjoy you. Do you know how is like to be taken for granted? Hmm, like you will always be there… Let me tell you about their life…its so ordinary. Let me tell you about their love…it is nothing like your light. It is fade, superficial, selfish…materialist. Maybe you could tell me more about love since i admit i know nothing. When you get in love you become fragile, i guess. I have my own idea of love. I want you in a human being. I want a piece of you in someone around me and I would be happy. I want a little of your shine, I want a little of your heat, I want a little more of your power. I want so many things….Dear Mr.Sun, have you ever thought about the sky as being a prison? I have, I just don’t know what punishment am I paying….Have you ever thought about the pain? I am sure you have, that is a part of you. And when you feel like it’s too much, can you cry ? fire tears…sparks? Do you shine more at night when I don’t see you?

And if i say that i feel just like you and the moon? If i say that sometimes i see what i want and i don’t get it, just like you? Would you believe me, would you believe him?  Would you believe that some of us are sharing your fears and loves? Can you promise me that you will look after me? Can you promise to take me there someday, next to you, in the sky and show me the view that you have? Cross your heat and hope to die?  I will leave you for now, but can you promise you’ll answer me? I will look forwd to it….

Please stop listening to my heart.
It’s been wrong a lot lately.
Thanks.

Sincerely,

Ynamaria.